It’s humbling to think about how much someone's life can change in the blink of an eye. On this day last year, I told my significant other that I loved him. It was the first time I’d ever professed my true love to anyone; I knew I had to save it for the right person. Today, however, I’m initiating a different kind of love. A love that I haven’t felt in a long time… love for myself.
It’s one thing to achingly feel a deep soul-consuming love for your partner, but there’s another kind of dutiful love that will always compete with it - the unmatched love that one can have for themselves. It’s been a long time since I’ve done something to make myself feel all warm inside, the way that my partner does. That’s why I've taken it upon myself to enjoy the smaller things these days. They are as simple as a full seven hours of sleep, lots of water, time at the gym and a new hobby that I never knew could bring me so much joy - painting.
But I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve neglected self care for a long time. A year ago today I was in a stable place and I felt like I had the world within my palm. Through time and many changing variables, I found myself starting to feel lost. I moved to the city of my dreams far away from my loved ones, struggled with my identity as I rarely participated in cultural or religious activities, and poured all the love that I had into my other half. I didn't realize that all of those things would inevitably lead to what I believe was my lowest breaking point.
It's painful for me to share what happened as of recently, but let's just say that I'm currently filled with regret and sorrow. I feel like I had my "main character" moment - but not in a good way. Every human being on this planet eventually goes through their turning point (or low point in my instance) and uses it as the catalyst to shape their life going forward.
Back in September of 2021, I experienced a trigger that brought out the worst parts of me that I tried very desperately to push away for as long as I can remember. I found myself slowly becoming a shell of the woman that I worked so hard to become. This trigger forced me to take off the "rose-colored glasses" that I had been wearing for a long time and before I knew it, the world around me was slowly turning gray.
I vividly remember trying everything within my power to stop myself from sinking into this dark hole, but it felt like nothing could help. My heart would feel an overwhelming sense of love, empathy and emotion but it felt like my brain prevented me from mustering enough courage to ask my loved ones for help. It was heartbreaking to watch the love of my life feel like his efforts weren't appreciated, even though he barely knew that I treasured the ground he walked on. Then why did I fail to express that? The answer is quite simple; I could barely take care of myself and express my own needs. I never truly realized the severity and significance of mental health until mine started to take a toll on everything and everyone around me.
I've always cherished my girlfriends and the way that they've supported me through countless moments throughout my life. But I should've known something was wrong with me when I began to isolate myself and push them all away. My justification was sheer embarrassment, and fearing that they would be repulsed by the way I allowed my negative thoughts to affect my self-esteem and choices. Even with my partner, my brain told me that I would only be within his good graces for so long. I began manifesting a reality in which everyone would leave me behind - therefore I began acting like I didn't need anyone. Before I knew it, I began indulging in toxic, self-deprecating behaviors and assumed that everyone was on a quest to hurt me. In reality... I was the only one causing all of the damage.
It's extremely discouraging to sit and think about all of the choices I've made up to this point, and what my reality could've been if I wasn't afraid to seek help earlier. I'm sure my family and friends wouldn't have to pity me in my current state, and my lover would still be holding my hand in support. However, it takes great courage to admit when one has done wrong by others. It hurts my heart and head to think of what I've been putting my loved one through, especially the sheer disrespect of lashing out instead of choosing stillness. I hope one day I will get a chance to right my wrongs and remind them of the soul that I possess and will soon return to.
I'm proud to say that I'm currently and actively seeking help to ensure that I work my way back towards the right path. I've started therapy for the first time and it's been effective in teaching me how to be kinder to myself, along with the skills needed to acknowledge and heal the trauma I've suffered for years. I'm learning that I've developed an anxious attachment style that causes me to fear the worst, and how it can be fixed with healthier boundaries and open communication. My therapist told me that I can't live a life where I "fear the worst if the worst hasn't happened yet" and I honestly wish that I could've learned that sooner. I'm sure it would've prevented many arguments - along with endless nights of crying from insecurity, fear and desperation.
I'm not only working to become a better version of myself to go back to the way that I once was, but to rather become better than I have ever been. I've always struggled with my faith but I've found myself turning to prayer now more than ever. I pray that I will heal, I pray that my partner will heal, and I pray that my family and loved ones can smile once again knowing that everything is once again at peace. I'm ready to laugh like I once laughed, love like I've never loved before and walk with a cloud under my feet. Healing can be a slow, challenging and often heartbreaking process, but I believe it's worth the outcome.
A year ago today I said my first "I love you". Now I'm saying it louder than ever before.
F.S x
"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life."
- Oscar Wilde