So here we are. I took some personal time away from this blog to move back to New York City. It wasn't easy, but I'll admit that it blows my mind to think that I've already been living here for three months. After years of hearing the same advice I think I finally understand why people in their 20s are always encouraged to push themselves out of their comfort zone.
Prior to moving out, I faced long restless nights and countless hours of overthinking. Cleveland became my second home for many years; it's where my loving family lives, along with some of my closest friends, and it's the place that I met the man that taught me how to love again. I'm sure anyone reading this might think: then why the hell would you leave any of that behind? The truth is... I felt stuck in time. I knew it was time for a change of scenery.
I'm convinced that I thrive better in busier environments - there's a rush I feel when I see clusters of people walking with a purpose, and it makes me want to get my shit together and actually do something to make my little mark on this world. It's a marvelous thought to know that each person within those clusters is hustling to achieve their dreams and spends every moment of their day with purpose. I personally find that kind of energy addicting and that's exactly why a few months ago I kept pushing myself until I got to where I needed to be. When I was in the process of finding an apartment and job for myself in New York I had countless people questioning me as to why I couldn't figure out an alternative. "Do you think you should look at another city?" "What about finding a regular job at home?" "Do you think applying to a dozen different jobs a day is even going to work out for you?" I avoided all of those questions like the bubonic plague, and in due time the universe rewarded my efforts by providing me my first full time job along with a beautiful and spacious apartment on the Upper East Side. I count my blessings each time I remember how far I've come.
Although I feel settled now, at the time figuring out how I was going to make a life for myself meant taking a break from blogging - and it definitely came with its ups and downs. I enjoyed the extra time on my hands and it allowed me to be present within my moving process. However, I constantly felt an extreme sense of guilt. All of the F Words was a commitment I made for myself and it was supposed to be a testament to my work ethic. Before I knew it, two weeks away from blogging turned into seven and I began to have unreasonable thoughts such as, "what if posting again after so long looks stupid," or "is it embarrassing if I do this again like nothing ever happened?"
I felt anxious whenever I thought about telling people that I took a break from one of my passions and I didn't want anyone to think that I just gave up on myself. The truth is, I didn't. I just felt that I simply hit a wall. My writer's block coincidentally aligned with my move and every time I brainstormed different "quirky" things to write about, I thought about the next trendy piece rather than writing from my heart.
I'm happy to share that I've now pushed past my writer's block and feelings of shame, but it definitely took more out of me than I could even put into words. I'm lucky to have so many supportive friends and family members who push me to do things my way before following anyone else. "Your blog is for you and if people like it, even better." Those were the words that motivated me to get back into my groove again after so long. Going forward, I plan to write about what comes to my mind. I'm ready to reclaim this blog as my own and I'd like to consider All of The F Words as my own personal diary. I'm extremely grateful for the people that voluntarily choose to read my posts, and I hope I can inspire anyone else that seems to find themselves in a creative posting funk. Sharing the ideas that come into your head will always come with the risk of feeling like they're not "good enough", but that's a risk I'm willing to take for the sake of my own sanity. Here's to more Friday posts, more stories, and certainly many more "F" words.
F.S x
"Writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all."
- Charles Bukowski