Failure.
That word alone was enough to consume my mind and well being. The fear of it was the reason it took such a long time for All of The F Words to launch. For years I've dreamt of a blog that I could pour all of my feelings into, but the classic fear of failure prevented me from turning my dreams into reality.
And now with each word that I type, I feel my spirit lifting and the tension in my shoulders releasing. I've been told of the therapeutic benefits of blogging but I never realized the importance of recording the thoughts that race through our minds from the moment we first start our day.
The act of launching this blog isn't the first time I've encountered fear. During my freshman year of college, I felt inspired to start my own makeup business. I created Face by Fatima as an easy way to make money on the side as I studied to earn my bachelor's degree. Naturally, my loved ones all supported me throughout the process. I remember my roommates all happily modeled my makeup looks so that I could promote my work on Instagram. Everything seemed to be going so well until it happened.
It refers to my first real encounter with criticism.
I know what you're thinking. Is she serious? Doesn't everyone get criticized? Yes, they do. I've faced criticism before; I've been told off by my mom for my outfit choices and my friends often disagreed with my taste in men. I've received critical feedback from teachers and professors for assignments I've submitted. However, the one thing that I always relied on was my ability to apply makeup. It was something that I was always told I was really good at.
Then one day, I remember doing a girl's makeup because she had hired me to doll her up for an evening out. I spent a decent amount of time carefully applying the makeup and used colors that I decided would make her features stand out. When I was finished, I remember handing her a mirror for her to admire how beautiful she looked. To my dismay, she looked at her face with an expression of disappointment.
"Yikes," she said, "I hate the color on my eyes. I look horrible."
I never felt more embarrassed by a comment in my entire life. At the age of 18, I didn't understand the process of differentiating feedback from an insult. In the days following I remember having tunnel vision; instead of acknowledging her comment as a way to perfect my work, I had chosen to shut myself down. I stopped doing makeup for money and I didn't post any additional content on my Instagram page. Fear consumed my entire wellbeing and I found myself feeling nauseous at the idea of attempting to apply makeup on another person.
However, I was lucky for my support system. My family and friends constantly reminded me of my talent and ability. I slowly regained my confidence and found myself doing makeup for fun once again. Face By Fatima was a dead project, but I sure as hell knew that I wasn't.
As I launch this blog, I have to remember why I'm doing this. I created All of The F Words as a safe space for me to explore the creativity that I hope to find within myself. This will be a place where I can share my thoughts and personal opinions. It will be an insight into my heart and soul as I experience life's happenings as a woman in her twenties. For all that we know, this might be the start of a never-ending romance between me and the art of blogging.
This blog will serve as a true testament to my motivation, dedication and passions. I'm terrified, but this time things will be different. Why? Because I know that failure is an outcome that only I can determine. Welcome to the world as I know it.
F.S x