If the title hasn't already appealed to the feeling that we've all been experiencing for the past year, allow me to speak for the masses when I say I'm tired.
The fatality, trauma and devastation that COVID-19 has brought upon our world has been like no other. It has robbed the promising lives that were yet to be lived and inflicted unimaginable pain upon those that fought hard to get through it. Families and friends are forced to smile and wave at screens when there was once a time that we could openly embrace one another. Food, exercise and entertainment have become comfort as real life experiences begin to lack luster with so many restrictions in place.
I feel that for the past year, we've all been forced to truly reflect upon the personalities that we've come to know ourselves as. For the longest time, I thought of myself as a social butterfly. Meeting new people and discovering new places was my favorite pastime until the pandemic forced me to begin discovering what makes me the woman that I am.
What do I truly like about myself? My facial features? My style? I never had the time to think about these things before when most of my days and nights were spent thinking about everything and everyone else.
At this time last year, I defined myself as a student and a working woman. I would spend my weekdays working as an intern in the Financial District and my weeknights attending lectures at St. John's University. My life consisted of train rides from Queens to Manhattan on the F train filled with people-watching. I remember drinking iced coffee and strutting the streets of the city knowing damn well that I looked exhausted. But I didn't care. The energy of New York City kept me going. Sometimes, I don't even know how I managed to do all of it.
Looking at myself now, the act of going to my kitchen and making something to eat makes me sigh with exhaustion. How did I get here? How did I change from the girl who used to balance 18 credits of classes per semester with a 30 hour work week into the girl that can't even be bothered leaving the comfort of her room?
The answer is effort. Continuing the routines we were once used to and maintaining all of the personal relationships we have in our lives feels harder now than it ever did before. Going to the store doesn't feel the same when you can't see the faces of the people around you. A walk to the park can't relieve all of the tension and anxiety that you may feel burdened with. Work from home can only give you so much fulfillment until you close your laptop. Travel, although doable, isn't the same with restrictions in place. Making an effort simply seems impossible these days.
Sometimes the act of texting someone back, no matter how much I love them, makes me want to curl up into a ball or sink into a dark hole. I find that it's just hard to talk about things when all we can ever seem to do is look back on the memories of the days we took for granted. However, I will admit that the pandemic has a silver lining. I've found that people seem to appreciate sharing the little things they do: I cooked today. I took the time to organize my closet. I jogged for four miles. I found a new favorite show to watch.
I've personally come to enjoy the little moments of gratitude that I find throughout my day. The feeling of sun on my skin is something that I never took the time to notice when I was filling my day with errands, work or classes. Now I truly understand how much time we have on our hands and how imperative it is that we make the most of it. I can only hope and pray that things go "back to normal" within the near future. However, I can't help but feel like a new normal will come into place as we all begin to figure out what is most important to us. In the meantime, I've set forth intentions that I hope to bring with me into this "new normal".
I plan to tell the people in my life that I love them more often. I intend to use this free time that I will perhaps never have again to work hard to achieve my goals. I want to continue appreciating life's little moments even when I feel like I have no time. I hope to attract new people into my life that will push me to become a better version of myself. Lastly, I wish to live a life so fulfilling that I can be proud of it when it's my turn to leave this ever-changing world.
F.S x
"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”
- Hunter S. Thompson